Paris Says No, No, No To Amy

Paris Hilton's friendship with My BFF winner Brittany Flickinger (god, it would have sucked having that last name growing up) is dwindling fast enough for the heiress to squeak out another version of her show, this time in the UK!

Paris is launching "Paris Hilton's British Best Friend" in hopes of finding a platonic mate across the pond. Paris is doing her usual media whore rounds with the press and was asked if she considered Amy Winehouse as a choice, Hilton said, "I love her music but I don't know if I could handle that lifestyle."

Now Paris, are you sure you want to judge how Amy's lifestyle? Let's see..you've both been caught on camera using drugs, you've both been arrested, you've both had sex with questionable dudes, and when you speak, you both are equally hard to understand but for totally different reasons..all in all I think the two of you could do each other wonders!

Image: Pixsell

It Sucks To Be You: Troy Thomas Edition

First of all, I will never understand how the home of Paris Hilton was broken into. With the amount of money she has, you would think a robot stood guard over her every night as she slept. Anyway, it's been reported that Troy Thomas broke in her home, however a source from the LAPD Special Burglary Unit tells TMZ.com that he isn't a suspect in the burglary and the real thief is still on the loose.

Troy Thomas aka "the Bel-Air Burglar," is reportedly one of two leaders of a gang called "The Hillside Burglars" who have been looting rich people's homes for 3 years. Bel-Air Burglar? The Hillside Burglars? Really?? Eh. If I was on the force I would have been more creative. I would have found out Troy's twisted fetish for dirty undies and named him "The Dirty Panty Bandit." Troy and his cohorts have apparently stolen from over 150 homes in the area.

Who knows, it could be him, but either way, get some damn security Paris. At least call ADT for the love of God!

Image: Google Images

I SOOO Hope This Is True!!

Is it possible that there could be another Paris Hilton sex tape? Hell yes! Author Mark Ebner has a new book due to be published next month titled, "Six Degrees of Paris Hilton." Ebner claims that there's another x-rated tape floating around showing Paris "in a state of arousal in a New York taxi." Sex in a New York taxi? Eww, you might as well have wiped your vadge on a public transit seat.

This claim comes from Darnell Riley, the man in jail for blackmailing and holding Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis hostage at gunpoint. He said that he bought around 14 hours of video from two "Russian kids" who stole the video footage from Paris' home. He says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral. “She is sitting in the church shooting video of herself. She is paying no attention to the eulogy. Paris has Brandon Davis film her when she gets up to say goodbyes to her grandmother.”

If another tapes come to light we will learn nothing new about Paris, it will just be pure entertainment. What else is she good for?

Image: The Sun

Like Giving Candy To A Kid

*Smacks forehead for Paris* Ms. Hilton lost her camera in a nightclub on New Year's Eve, where else would we expect her to lose the damn thing, at the local CVS? The nightclub was Trademark in Sydney, Australia and Paris was making a paid appearance at the Bongo Virus party..sounds like a funny party, perfect for Paris to be at.

Karen Griffin, the publicist for the party, said, "She lost it in the chaos. It must have fallen out of her bag," she adds, "She is disappointed as it has her personal photos of her visit on it. They are happy snaps and there are also some pictures from her trip to the snow before she came to Australia. It is the camera she had with her when she was on Bondi Beach."

Paris, you truly are a treat. You're the gift that keeps on giving. I hope for your sake you only took 200 head shots of yourself, gazing into a mirror at the divine perfection that is your face, with your head turned to the side so we don't notice how long your nose is and the "come hither" look in your eyes is front and center. Who am I kidding, there better be some ass on that memory card!!

Image: Google Images

Apologizing To My Ears

Paris takes everything to heart, including her time behind bars. Take a listen to "Jailhouse Baby," one of the possible tracks off Paris Hilton's new album.

It really fucking hurt me to write that so just listen and judge for yourself ^^

Really? Nuh Uh

Paris Hilton, the prude? Say it ain't so Joe! In the new issue of Glamour magazine, Ms. P alludes that she's not as full service as her last name might claim. According to Hilton, she's only gone all the way a couple times:

"I've only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag -- they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you."

I don't know if anyone has explained this to Paris, but a couple means 2? Just 2, only 2, no more than 2. Couple = 2. 2. Dos. Couple means 2!!!

Let's see how many dudes I can "confirm" just for the hell of it.

Jason Shaw - Model
Rick Solomon - Sleazebag
Benji Madden - Guitarist
Nick Carter - Singer
Paris Latsis - Rich Dude #1
Stavros Niarchos - Rich Dude #2

Now, let's list the guys she's been "rumored" to have slept with:

Cisco Adler - Singer
Chad Michael Murray - Actor
Joe Francis - GGW Founder
Tom Sizemore - Actor (What the hell was that about?)
Simon Rex - Actor
Matt Leinhart - Football player
Val Kilmer - Actor
Travis Barker - Drummer
Jack Osbourne - Reality "star"
Josh Henderson - Actor
Alex Vaggo - Model (The pizza delivery boy!)
Brody Jenner - Reality "star"
Scott Stortch - Music producer
Jared Leto - Actor

And if you go on Whosdatedwho.com, there's an assload more. I'm tired, I can't type all that shit. Either way, Paris, take care of your vadge, you only get one.

Image: David LaChapelle